Rick Perry, GTFO

Rick Perry has officially gone from another not-so-sober-Christian-Texas-Governor to a complete and utter jackass. The man, in exactly 31 seconds, completely blows apart his entire campaign (provided he didn't already do so in the debate where he couldn't name the government agencies he and his campaign looked forward to eliminating). A campaign video, made viral via Youtube faster than you can say, "This guy just lost the Republican Nomination," has exploded into a series of fun internet memes (a described concept spread throughout the internet, usually involving both images and sarcasm).

The entire phrasing, the choice of words, the cliché outdoorsy setting complete with "Carhart" winter jacket, and even worse, the unadulterated ignorance that goes into the very words Perry gently assures to his audience, are all as deplorable as shooting a person in the face in a quail-hunting-incident.

Perry fires off about religion, faith, gay rights, and public education in 31 seconds and misses almost every single mark of what (in 2011) will get a candidate into office. Save for the Bible Belt (who are considerably more open to gay unions and even marriages than most would believe), a solid majority of americans know and recognize a homophobe when they hear and see one. And more importantly, they can acknowledge when someone is being a total prejudicial prick.

To fully understand this dilemma, we need to break down the entire 31 seconds of campaign suicide and decide for ourselves, do we really want this man anywhere near "The Big Red Button".

Somewhere on some grassy embankment on some sort of faux-ranch, Perry opens with: "I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian,". Now Rick, why would you be ashamed? You instantly set us up with that line. That is easily one of the poorest openings for a debate, or even a thinking point, that I have ever heard. Junior High School students use that line when they try to defend poorly thought out logic. 8th Grade Logic, to be exact. And to say you're not ashamed to be a Christian? Why should you be? Unless of course you wish us to feel bad for not liking your Christian beliefs, should any of us disagree with them.

"But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when-" Now hold your horses, Lone Ranger. What're you gettin' at here? Wouldn't a more appropriate line be "Yes, I'm a Christian. But you don't need to hold my same belief system to recognize when something is going wrong in this country-". I mean, you're immediately bringing up imagery and assumptions that I have to admit are wildly obnoxious. Myself? I don't think I've sat in a pew for over 4 years, sans Christmas and funerals. Most weddings I've attended weren't even held in churches. So we don't need you to be ashamed your Christian, and we don't need to be in a pew to know you're right when you say your Christianity (and hopefully… ours?) has recognized there are problems in this country. Great.

"…wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." Holy crapoly. What?! Did you really just say that? Did you really just say that gay men or women cannot, or rather should not, be serving openly in the military? I guess a GAY soldier isn't as good as a straight one, right? I bet when that flag is draped over that coffin after he or she has given their life for our country, you can still tell and care about their sexuality? Mr. Perry, not only do I take strong offense to your choice of words, I take strong offense to your lack of patriotism. You think being gay prevents a soldier from doing good by and for his country? And then this other crap you crammed in there. Who writes your campaign blurbs, Rick? Pastor Phelps?

Are you saying that some poor child can't celebrate his Christmas holiday at school with his friends (where he shares a classroom with children all walks of life, not just your yellow brick road), however some happy Jewish kid probably can get away with celebrating ‘Chanukah' because that's what you think our Religious War Raging Liberal President is allowing? How's about this, numb-nuts: why don't you reach way down into that green Grinchy heart of yours and pull out the true meaning of christianity and Christmas itself. Love one another as I have loved you, right? I mean isn't that a fuckin' commandment from your God? John 13:34-35 amiright? "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Right now, Mr. Perry, I think the only thing your God knows about you, is that you piss in the face of the Americans who can vote you into office to guide and lead them.

If anyone is fighting a religious war here, it is you. Like the Crusaders before you or Columbus and Cortez, you wish to fight the good fight, like a man on a mission from God, uniting all the believers. You are no Blues Brother though sir, there is no Mission From God, and John Belushi is long gone. We don't need another poor sequel.

You openly take a swing and a large marginal of your voting community, stick your finger to public schooling, which should surely be appropriate setting for all children where they learn their damn numbers and letters, not your Christian rhetoric, and you then wrap it up by stuffing an ornament up President Obama's nose, accusing him of fighting a "liberal attack(s) on our religious heritage."

Not my religious heritage, Mr. Perry. I don't know what heritage you are speaking of, but if you mean the American Peoples, you should probably head back to school, hit those books, (maybe try public school this time?) and realize most of our founding fathers were Deists. They sought the philosophy of the clockmaker, a God who creates and sit backs to watch. None of them signed onto organized religions and among them, Jefferson, Adams, and Franklin were adamantly, vocally, opposed to such ideas. You sir, are a moron.